Oh look, dear… it comes with it’s own serial killer!

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I’m sure that the title probably has you at least a smidge interested in what the holy hell I ‘m talking about. Well, kids, this one is going to be completely, totally below the cut. You must click to read! CLICK, I say!

Oh, there you are. So, what am I talking about?


For those who don’t feel like clicking, allow me to sum it up: There is a Zillow listing in South Carolina for a home which comes with an upstairs tenant that you can’t get rid of, who will be paying no rent. The sellers even say that there is a lease and it makes no sense, so you shouldn’t bother asking.

Really? You think someone is going to pay $155,779 for a home that is not only in disrepair, but also comes with someone you aren’t allowed to meet, that won’t be paying you anything, and who you can’t get rid of? Who will live upstairs from you and your family, no less? Ummmmmm…. That’s going to be a big Negatory, Ghost Rider. I’m the sort who thinks it’s fun to live on the edge and do wacky things that might get you killed, and even I wouldn’t do that.

Well, let me clarify… I wouldn’t do that if I actually wanted to live there. If it was a case of “So much money I don’t know what to do with it all,” I would totally buy this place, complete with the freeloading tenant. Said tenant might not like it, however.

I’d start with something simple. Expected, even. It’s a fixer upper, so you know it needs a good extermination. I would get so many bug bombs I’d need to rent a truck to carry them all, put them all over the place (especially just outside the tenant’s apartment, since you aren’t allowed to go in), buy myself a gas mask and environmental suit to protect myself while I’m setting them off, and then make a fog of death so dense no one could keep from running out. Hopefully, that would chase the month-to-monther out and make them want to never come back.

If they still persisted, it would be time to ramp things up. You own the place. Short of causing a public health hazard or actually trying to kill the guy, you can do whatever the hell you want. As long as you steer clear of the aforementioned conditions and don’t try to collect on insurance for anything you do, there shouldn’t be any issues. So, what can you do? Well, for starters, read the lease the seller says exists. If it doesn’t specify that you will provide utilities, cut those motherfuckers off. “I’ve decided to make it a truly off-the-grid home. Off ALL the grids, in fact. Not my problem you don’t have that pioneer spirit.” If that’s right out, try variations on the theme. It might say you will provide water, but does it say hot water? And is the electricity in question to all outlets, or will just one cover the requirements? If this is still not working, go big or go… well…. this is home, isn’t it? Time to summon your inner evil and really be annoying.

The lease almost certainly states (based on what we can get from the listing) that the tenant has exclusive access to the upstairs apartment. So, work around that. The roof is fair game. Install a pigeon coop. Or multiple bird feeders. Lots and lots of bird feeders, in fact. For a wide variety of types of birds. Lure in daytime birds, nocturnal birds, loud birds, scratchy birds. Everything you can get the supplies for. Hey, you’re just being a bird-lover. No harm in that, is there? Maybe put some animal traps (the kind that snap shut and hold the animals in) to protect your precious birdies from the raccoons and squirrels that will almost certainly show up for a free meal. If you have no intention of actually moving in, don’t bother with the traps, and those lil critters will make their way into the walls. Especially if you “forget” and remove the screen that protects the attic vents. Oopsie! Picture the mysterious tenant’s face when he wakes up one morning (night?) and there’s a raccoon staring at him from a hole in the wall. Hilarity ensues!

And, of course, when all this wildlife has infested the house, you’ll have to exterminate. Aren’t you glad you still have the enviro-suit and gas mask? 😉

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