Some things do NOT need to exist….

≡ Category: comics, commentary, politically incorrect, television |Comments Off on Some things do NOT need to exist….

Today, io9 put up an article titled “10 Comics That Absolutely Must Be TV Series, NOT Movies.” After reading their list, I sincerely think that the author either was just tossing things together to make a filler article, or he’s got some of the worst taste in the history of ever. Seriously. Some of his choices are horrid and would put the comic book genre on television back 20 years. They would tank so horribly that network execs would actively avoid anything comic-related for decades. Click through and I’ll go into more detail.

So…. let’s go over the list.

1 –  Ms. Marvel: Dear, sweet God NO. The author is obviously a fanboy of this character based on the way he raves about her. I hate to break it to him, but she isn’t the most popular character of all time, and never will be. Even the concept is fucking stupid. A young girl fighting crime in Jersey City. I know people in Jersey City. What would she be fighting? Panhandlers? People crossing against the light? Not to mention that whole “school” thing. Oh, and lest we forget… one big part of the character concept is that she is a Muslim. They aren’t exactly popular with a lot of people right now, for some reason, and you’ll be turning off a good portion of your audience as soon as they see the character and her family. It could be as great as this author seems to think, and 50% of the country will not watch it without ever seeing more than a commercial. That’s what people in the business call a “Non-Starter.”

2. Midnighter: Oy. Where to start? Well, firstly, the author himself points out that the character is a take on a gay Batman. You know… Batman, who they’re featuring in this artsy little film they have coming out. Yeah, when they’re dumping many, many, MANY millions into a film franchise, they do NOT want to have a confusingly similar character on tv. Especially one that is, essentially, a parody of the featured movie character. Midnighter is pretty much one-dimensional. He fights people. He’s not a thinker, not a detective… he just beats the shit out of people. That’s all he’s ever done. Well that and be “Gay Batman.” Do you really want a character that is known exclusively for being gay and beating people up? Not really the kind of rolemodel you want to promote.

3. The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Right off the bat, the author proves he’s one of those hipster fucks that thinks anything popular couldn’t be good by saying that the previous Sabrina tv series wasn’t very good. Yeah, they left a shitty series on the air for eight years. Moron. Also, he even points out that the current shit-tacular series he’s talking about features full-bown Satanism. Sorry, dumbass, but America is probably not ready for a main character that worships Satan. You may be a soulless atheist, but the majority of America isn’t. Only a true brainless idiot would think this would ever make it on tv, much less be a hit.

4. Sex Criminals: This one is actually in development, but I sincerely doubt it will be the hardcore fuckfest that the moron author seems to want. No, they are not going to feature characters having butt sex so they can rob a bank on primetime, even on a pay cable channel. I have no doubt that the show in development will feature more implied sex and tit shots than the full-frontal fucking that this dipshit thinks we all need.

5. Mind MGMT: Our intrepid author must not be very good at the Googles (or doesn’t believe in research) because it takes all of about .3 seconds to find that this has already been optioned as a movie. A Ridley Scott movie. Which they have paid to renew the option twice, just to give the screenwriter enough time to work on a good script. I know that the point of his article is that these series need to be tv shows, not movies, but when one already has the ball rolling, perhaps it’s time to just shut your trap and let the big boys do their work. You may want it to be a series, but the guys with the money want it to be a movie. When you’re running Fox, you can do with it what you want. Until then… well… just shut it.

6. Lumberjanes: Teenagers who face off against supernatural mysteries and monsters each week. We had that. It was called Scooby Doo. Jinkies, Fred, I think we found another clue that this guy is an idiot. Ohhhh…. but this one is all girls. Yeah, that was called Josie and the Pussycats. No, not the movie. But they’re in a camp! Soooo… Josie goes to camp. Gotcha. Has hit written all over it. In 1971. In case the slapnuts author here doesn’t know, people generally have very low opinions of monster-of-the-week shows, so his live-action suggestion should probably be flushed with all his other bright ideas. And as for hiring the actual comic writers to write a tv series…. there is a huge difference in the two types of writing. That’s why very few comic writers ever make it in the tv world.

9. Fables: Yes, I know I skipped a couple. I’ll get to them in a minute. If it had been made 5 or 6 years ago, (and had a huge budget) this would be a surefire hit. Now, though, the majority of people would claim it was a knock-off of Once Upon a Time. You have to remember that the majority of people don’t read comics, so they would base their opinion on what they know. And they know that OUaT came first in the television realm.

10. Harley Quinn: Ahhhh, Harley…. I love the character, but she’s just not tv-ready. She runs around in lingerie and hits people with a giant hammer, for God’s sake. She’s a self-admitted psychopath. You don’t write a show around a psychopath and feature them as a positive character. The way this idiot talks, he’d have them write a cross between a sitcom and an action show. There’s a reason that sort of thing hasn’t been done before, dude. It doesn’t work. Especially with a 100% insane lead. Harley has been set as a character in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. You’ll just have to deal with that being the version of the character that they picked. She isn’t a big enough character for them to do two mismatched versions on tv and the movies ala the Flash and Green Arrow.

And then we have 7 and 8. Which are actually good ideas. I guess they’re right and even a broken clock is right twice a day.

7. She-Hulk: Actually a good idea. Well, except that the author seems to think this would be a super-hero procedural. I somehow doubt that viewers who tune in for a super-hero show would be happy having a court room drama every week, and the same would go for people wanting to watch a court drama getting a Hulk-style battle. But it needs Angie Harmon. That is non-negotiable.

8. Astro City: This would be amazing, but not if it were done the way that the dimwit says. People wouldn’t tune in to more than a time or two if the super-hero show had no super-heroes. And like he says, if you did it right, the cost would be astronomical.

Pretty much, this guy just wrote up justifications for why his personal favorites would be good tv series (according to him). There are dozens of better choices. Hell, just off the top of my head –  Longshot, Power Pack, any of the original New Universe, Archer & Armstrong…. the list goes on and on. Of course, someone would complain about the lack of “diversity” in those I just listed. They’d probably want Power Pack to be a group of adopted, multi-cultural teenagers. Which would suck nearly as much as the crap this guy chose.

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