Review: Acheri Demon Haunting: The True Story of Paranormal Case 263

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Okay, I know this isn’t my usual style of review/post o’ wackiness, but bear with me. I had a “friend” send this to me (hopefully as a joke. Otherwise, I owe someone a whoopin’.) and it was so horribly bad that I had to share, if only in hopes of preventing anyone else from having to live through this fucking horrid piece of shit.

Also, Amazon won’t let me say the things I want to say about this book in the reviews there. Stupid family-friendly bullshit.

So, on with the review. Suffice it to say that I don’t recommend anyone spend a single penny to read this piece of shit. Hell, I’m pissed that I wasted the time to read it, and I got the damn thing for free. I may even throw in some commentary on the author, just because this thing annoyed me so much. In fact, let’s just start with the asswipe.

His name, at least according to him, is Corker Johnston. Personally, I can’t imagine an adult that uses the name Corker. Just seems like you’re asking for someone to shove you in a locker. After that, the shit gets even more difficult to believe. He claims to be “internationally renown.” Yes, “renown.” Apparently, our author du jour here doesn’t even know that the word is “renowned.” Not a good start for someone trying to push a book on us. But trust me, it gets worse. He claims he is “renown” in the paranormal field. Now, I know the paranormal field fairly well. I used to have almost daily arguments with Ed and Lorraine Warren. Yes, the ones that were (pretty fictionally) shown in The Conjuring. Ed didn’t like me and Lorraine flat out hated me, mainly because I called them on a bunch of bullshit they tried to shovel. Well, compared to this guy, Ed & Lorraine were downright upstanding and honest. And the reason I tell you this is because I want to point out that I have never, ever heard of the “internationally renown” author here. Utterly unknown. He claims to have been on many tv shows about the paranormal, but I know I’ve never seen him on anything, and as far as my almost unmatched searching ability can tell, neither has anyone else. He does have one radio appearance with one of the guys from Ghost Hunters International, but that’s the closest he’s come. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of webcasts. Which really don’t mean anything, since Lil Johnny Shitkicker can make one of those in his garage. He also claims to be the CEO and founder of some piddly shit “research society.” I sincerely doubt that it’s incorporated, so he isn’t a CEO. And then we get to the biggest lie of them all….

He claims this POS is “bestselling.”

According to Amazon, the paperback edition is ranked 948,560th. I wouldn’t exactly call that a best seller. Oh, but wait.. let’s look at the Kindle edition!  Ooops. 247,156th in the paid Kindle category. But hey… it is ranked 88th in kindle books on Satanism. That’s something, I guess. Not a best seller, but something. Something shitty.

So, why is this “bestselling” book ranked so low? Well, it could be because the thing is truly awful. Even if the story weren’t obviously a pile of lies so deep you could drown in them, the writing is horrendous. Like… 3rd grade bad. Every third word is misspelled. He gets confused about who he’s talking to in mid-story, switching from Thomas to Richard without realizing it. The grammar made me wince so hard I nearly developed a nervous tic. Yes, it was that bad. The lameass author (who we have already established as having a bit of problem with reality) actually tries to connect demons/ghosts with UFOs. Yup, the little grey men are now demonic. Ummm… no. Corker… Cork… can I call you Cork?… Cork, ol’ buddy….. you’ve lost it. Your story is utterly unbelievable. Maybe you should just admit it’s a bunch of bullshit and move on. Because this doesn’t even make sense. You bring minors into a dangerous situation (supposedly) and then later bring them back to it? That’s just bad parenting, bud. Oh, and your wife (at the time… it appears she divorced his ass. Gee, I wonder why?) supposedly has a ghost sit on her lap, but the cameras are conveniently pointing the other way? That’s as bad as that old show Most Haunted. You know, the one where a rock would mysteriously get thrown from the direction of a crew member that was conveniently behind the camera? On pretty much EVERY episode? Your story isn’t even good enough for an old Freakylinks episode. It’s bad, dude! Give it up and get a real job! And for God’s sake, quit posting neck-up photos to look impressive when it’s easy enough to find pics that show you’re a fat-ass! Go to a fucking gym!

Just, whatever you do, do NOT attempt to write again. You suck. Really. I’m just trying to save the world from bad literature, man. Check with McDonald’s. Maybe they’re hiring. But don’t try to claim the deep fryer is haunted. That’s almost as silly as your fucking “book.”

Edit: Oh my god. I can’t believe I forgot to mention this. It’s sort of hilarious. This “CEO,” artist, and “best-selling” author doesn’t even have a real website. It’s a Wix site! Seriously? That’s basically the GeoCities of the modern era. It appears he uses the “Domain Connect” option, because he has the big-ass ads visible, but he still has his own domain. It really is a joke, as far as websites go. You have to use their templates, which are limited, and you’re limited to a whopping 500 MB of space. This site right here costs less than a single decent meal every month, comes with all kinds of add-ons, allows you to do what-the-fuck-ever you want with the site, and has, in theory, infinite space. Yeah, infinite. I start with about 250GB, and if I need more, I just have to ask and they allocate another 250GB. No questions, no problem. On the other hand, Corker there can put up about 200-400 photos and he’s flat out of space. Done. Game Over. Real professional, dink. Maybe instead of spending your time making up bullshit stories, you should go gather cans from the gutter. I bet you could get enough for them to afford a real website. Really real, unlike your so-called “best-seller.”

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